Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Slayer's Hunter
by Robyn the Snowshoe Hare
Summary: On the SOL, the Scooby Gang are forced by the Mayor and Faith to read badfic; notably Robyn the Snowshoe Hare's 'The Slayer's Hunter'
1. In The Beginning, There Was Pain

Dedication: My sincerest gratitude and apologies to Jenni W.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The SOL, just after lunch. Giles and Willow are reading, Cordelia and Xander are arguing, and Angel and Buffy are smootching. Just your typical day on the Satellite.   
  
The screen lights up suddenly   
  
Mayor: Heya kids! How are you doing this fine day?  
  
All: dully Fine.  
  
Mayor: That doesn't sound very enthusiastic. Let's try again!  
  
All: with Valley-Girl-like perkiness Fine!  
  
Mayor: Those are my little troopers! Is everything ship-shape up there on the sattelite?  
  
Xander: Half the channels on the TV are locked out! This place sucks.   
  
Mayor: Alexander, you know I don't approve of you using that kind of langouge. And I'm locking out those channels for your own protection. You're far too young and impressionable to be exposed to some of the things that are on TV these days.  
  
Buffy: And yet I can still go out and kill demons.  
  
Willow: Actually, Buffy, technically you can't. After all, we're kinda stuck on the satellite.  
  
Cordelia: Are we going to be up here much longer? I'm bo-ored!  
  
Mayor: I know what'll turn those frowns upside down! I'll send up some board games!  
  
Giles: Well, I guess that would be an improvement.  
  
Angel: Board games?  
  
Buffy: You know, Monopoly, Scrabble, Parchizzi. Am I ringing any bells here?  
  
Xander: Geez, Angel, Monopoly has been around for 50 years. You *must've* played it at least once.  
  
Angel: I was busy, okay?  
  
Xander: Oh, yeah, slumming on the streets of New York.  
  
Mayor: Now, boys, that's quite enough fighting. I want you two to shake hands and appologize.  
  
Xander and Angel: *muttering* Sorry. they shake hands reluctantly Mayor: That's better. Now, Faith and I have a special treat for you.   
  
All: suspiciously What?  
  
Mayor: Reading is important at your age, but since you *are* my enemies, I couldn't really start sending you comics.  
  
Faith: entering So I came up with a solution for him.  
  
Mayor: proudly Isn't she wonderful?   
  
Angel: Ye-ah, she's just snazzy. So just what are you going to make us read?  
  
Mayor: I had Faith track down the worst fanfiction she could find.  
  
All: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Faith: Yeah, and I gotta say, this one is pretty crappy.  
  
Mayor: Faith, watch the langouge. Now, I want you all to get cracking.   
  
screen turns off   
  
The Slayer's Hunter  
  
Buffy: Okay, what kind of title is *that*?  
  
Willow: Apparently someone is hunting you.  
  
Angel: And with such a woosy plot like that, we *know* that this is going to be painful.  
  
by Robyn the Snowshoe Hare  
  
Buffy: Do you think we could call animal control?  
  
Giles: A rabbit wrote this?  
  
Cordelia: Or some girl with a rabbit fetish.  
  
Xander: Okay, at this point let's use a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy.  
  
and Stone Cold  
  
Xander: The wrestler?  
  
Angel: I didn't know he wrote fanfic.  
  
Disclaimer:  
  
Cordelia: Geez, we have to go through all of this?  
  
Giles: Apparently the authors don't feel like getting sued.  
  
Angel: As if lawyers have nothing better to do than to go through fanfics and look for those that disclaimers.  
  
Xander: Welcome to the American legal system.  
  
Joss owns it all,  
  
All: Hey!  
  
Cordelia: I own myself, thank you very much!  
  
and we all thank him for giving us this wonderful Buffyverse to   
play in.  
  
Xander: And for the acid that he apparently shared with these authors.   
  
Buffy: We're not even past the disclaimer and we're doing Joss/acid jokes.  
  
Xander: Your problem being?   
  
Buffy: Nothing, just commenting.   
  
Dedication:   
  
Giles: Oh, just get to the story already!   
  
Angel: You're actually asking for the story?   
  
Giles: The sooner we read it, the sooner I can get back to my book.   
  
So many people to thank.   
  
Xander: The doctors at the asylum...the drug dealers...   
  
I'll start off with my great co-author, Stone Cold.   
  
Willow: Start off with? Does this mean that we're going to have to hear more thanks later?   
  
Giles: I hope not.   
  
  
-------------------------------------------------------   
  
Prologue   
  
-------------------------------------------------------   
  
Cordelia: Great, multiple parts. How long do you think this is going to take?  
  
Xander: {checking watch} Hopefully not too long. 'Baywatch' is on soon.  
  
Angel: {worried} Okay, everyone hurry!   
  
"Xander, are you sure you want to do this?"   
  
Xander: Aw, damn, I'm in this one!  
  
Buffy: What do you think you're about to do?   
  
Angel: With the way the fans have been treating him lately, probably a sex-change.  
  
Xander and Cordy: Hey!   
  
"Buffy, you are my dearest friend in the world.   
  
All: Awwwwww.   
  
For you, yes, I will do this."   
  
Willow: Doing *what* is the question here.   
  
Xander: It could be good!   
  
Giles: I don't know. That sounded a bit, er, omnious.   
  
"Xander! Think!   
  
Angel: That's not too likely.   
  
Xander: Shut up, Dead Boy!   
  
Yes, I am your friend, and you are mine.   
  
Cordelia: Okay, so Buffy and Xander are friends. Now that we've established this, can we move on with our lives?   
  
Willow: Probably not, but it's a nice thought.   
  
But it can never be anything more.   
  
Angel: It had better not be!   
  
Buffy: {suspiciously} I don't like what this is hinting at.   
  
Are you sure? Will you give up your entire future for me?"   
  
Xander: I'm giving up my entire future for her? What's up with this?   
  
Angel: It can still jive with my sex-change theory.   
  
Giles: How?   
  
Buffy: I think he's just looking at the 'best-case-scenario'.   
  
Xander: HEY!   
  
Buffy: From his point of view, of course.   
  
"Once I wanted you to be more than just my friend, and I won't lie.   
I still hope that someday we could be like that.   
  
Cordelia: Do you?   
  
Xander: What?   
  
Cordelia: Do you hope that you and Buffy can someday be more than friends?   
  
Willow: Now there's a loaded question if I ever heard one.   
  
Angel: {growling} Go ahead and answer her, Xander, I'm pretty interested in your answer.   
  
Xander: Er...I'll just claim the fifth here.   
  
But I'll be patient. Even if we never reach that point, being this   
close will be enough for me."  
  
Cordelia: And just *how* close is that?   
  
Giles: I don't know, but from the way Angel is glaring, it's probably too close for him.   
  
Buffy looked carefully into Xander's dark eyes.   
  
Giles: Apparently Buffy has taken up optomitry as a hobby.   
  
The hardest part of al of this was,   
  
Buffy: Who's Al?   
  
Willow: Probably a typo, but with these authors you never can tell.   
  
she knew he meant every word he said.   
  
Angel: The lie detecter she had him hooked up to helped to confirm this.   
  
And it tore her apart that she couldn't give him her heart in   
return, when she so obviously had his.   
  
Cordelia: *WHAT*? {smacks Xander}   
  
Xander: OW! Cordy, you can't take this story literally!   
  
But you can't give what you've already given away.   
  
Angel: All I'm saying is that it had better be me that Buffy gave it to.  
  
Buffy: I'm sure it is. {they kiss}   
  
Xander: Ugh. Can we get back to the story?   
  
Angel had her heart.   
  
Angel: Woo hoo!   
  
Xander: But since it was sticky, he gave it back.   
  
Willow: Okay, that was just gross.   
  
Wherever he was now.   
  
Xander: Well, looks like you're out of the picture.   
  
Angel: I'm not sure if I should be happy or worried.   
  
Slowly, she nodded.   
  
Buffy: What did I just agree to?   
  
Giles: It would be nice if we actually knew what this conversation was about.   
  
That was enough for Xander.   
  
Cordelia: He got so fed up that he went back to his girlfriend.   
  
Willow: I don't think that's very likely.   
  
He gave her a smile of pure joy, which tore at her soul. He knelt,   
and, taking her hands in his own, he said those fateful words:   
  
Buffy: Got milk?   
  
Giles: Just do it.   
  
Willow: Obey your thirst.   
  
"Buffy Summers, will you marry me?"   
  
All: Whoa!   
  
Angel: Say no, say no, say no!   
  
She managed a nod,   
  
Angel: Dammit!   
  
Buffy: {horrified} Oh, my God.   
  
unable to speak, as sudden tears choked her voice.   
  
Xander: Why am I always moving women to tears?   
  
Angel: Those are probably just tears of revulsion.   
  
She'd dreamed those same words for a long time, but from a very   
different man.   
  
Angel: Preferably a *man*.   
  
Xander: Hey! No need to insult me just because some author likes the idea of seeing me and Buffy married.   
  
Cordelia: Who else is feeling nausiated?   
  
{everyone except Xander raise their hands}   
  
Xander: Hey!   
  
Xander didn't understand, but as always, he did all he could to   
comfort her, and take her mind off of *that* subject.   
  
Buffy: *That* subject?   
  
Willow: Quite a bit of emphasis on *that*.   
  
Giles: Why do I have the feeling that no one is going to enjoy what *that* subject turns out to be?   
  
"We need to plan the wedding fast.   
  
Willow: Buffy, how do you think your mom is going to take the news of your teen marriage to Xander?   
  
Buffy: Not well.   
  
Giles: On the bright side, it will put the whole Slayer issue into a whole different perspective.   
  
Xander: What, being destined to battle the forces of evil is a better fate than marrying me?   
  
Buffy: You said it, Xander, not me.   
  
There are enough rumors already, and there'll be even more, but   
let's at least head off as many as we can."   
  
Cordelia: Rumors?   
  
Buffy: Why do I *really* not like the sound of that?   
  
Angel: Apart from the fact that it just came after a sentance planning your marriage to Xander?   
  
Buffy: Good point.   
  
She nodded again, and they both looked down at their joined hands.   
  
Angel: I don't know how much more of this I can take.   
  
Buffy: Don't worry, hon, there isn't very much left.   
  
Which rested on her stomach, where for the first time, she had felt   
her child kick.   
  
All: Whoa, again!   
  
Buffy: I'm *pregnant*? Not only am I getting married to Xander, but I'm going to be a teen mother? I don't believe this!   
  
Willow: Boy, Giles, this probably won't look good on your Watcher transcripts. With your Slayer getting pregnant and all.   
  
Giles: {slightly pained} Can we *not* go into that?   
  
Cordelia: What I'd like to know is if she's pregnant, why is she marrying Xander?   
  
Willow: I guess he must be the father.   
  
Angel: Xander, I swear to God-   
  
Xander: I'm *NOT* the father! Geez, maybe it was just a one-night-stand with some guy she met at a party.   
  
Buffy: You're not helping!   
  
Willow: Your mom is *really* going to flip over this one.   
  
Giles: Er, can we get back to the story now?   
  
  
* * *   
  
  
Willow: Great, a break in the action.  
  
Cordelia: There's been some action?  
  
Willow: Oh, good point.   
  
The wedding was fast. And small. And short.   
  
Angel: It sounds almost like they went to Vegas.   
  
Buffy: Great, add to the insult!   
  
But the only people who really mattered were there.   
  
Giles: I guess that would be Buffy, Xander, the priest, and Buffy's little passenger. {Buffy glares at him}   
  
Buffy's mother had been killed the year after their graduation from   
Sunnydale High.   
  
Cordelia: Well, that takes care of the problem of telling your mom about the pregnancy and the marriage.   
  
Xander's father had run off, and his mother had condemned the   
marriage to the point where she refused to even come to the   
wedding.   
  
Giles: Looks like the groom's side of the church is going to be a bit empty.   
  
And so, Buffy was walked down the aisle by her Watcher.   
  
Buffy: Wait a minute, nothing happened to my dad! Why isn't he there?   
  
Xander: Maybe we forgot to call him when we were planning.   
  
Oz was the best man.   
  
Xander: My best man is a werewolf. This is clearly a wedding on the Hellmouth.   
  
His fiance Willow was the maid of honor,   
  
Willow: I'm engaged to Oz?   
  
Buffy: At least one of us is happy.   
  
and the recently engaged Cordelia was one of the bridesmaids.   
  
Buffy: Engaged to who? We've run out of guys.   
  
Willow: Angel's still free.   
  
Cordy, Angel, Xander, and Buffy: Hey!   
  
Willow: Okay, scratch that idea.   
  
The pews of the tiny church were modestly filled with several of   
their old friends from high school, and some other friends made at   
Sunnydale Community College.   
  
Buffy: So we all went to college? Well, at least I'm not a high school dropout.   
  
Cordelia: Who'd'a thunk it.   
  
Of all the 'dearly beloved' gathered there   
  
Xander: Well, it looks like Angel didn't show up.   
  
Angel: Come to a wedding where my girlfriend is marrying a complete wanker? The only reason I'd show up would be to try to break whatever hypnotic control you had over her!   
  
Willow: Anytime, now, guys.   
  
on that bright day, only six knew the real reason behind the   
wedding.   
  
Buffy: My guess is drugs.   
  
Giles: I'd have to go with that one.   
  
Angel: Same.   
  
Willow: Blackmail?   
  
Cordelia: Whatever it is, it had better be a good reason for stealing my boyfriend, Buffy!   
  
Five months later, the whole town knew the reason.   
  
Angel: Ah, apparently the drug ring was broken up. So this means that a divorce can be arranged, and Buffy can return to her old boyfriend.   
  
Giles: We can only hope.   
  
They all jumped to the perfectly obvious conclusion.   
  
Angel: Drugs?   
  
Willow: Blackmail?   
  
Xander Harris had gone and gotten Buffy Summers pregnant.   
  
Angel: Can you *not* give me that mental picture?   
  
That was the reason behind a marriage that while friendly,   
comfortable, and open, was loveless.   
  
Buffy: Well, at least I have a *pretty* good marriage.   
  
Angel: Buffy!   
  
Buffy: I can't even look at the bright side?   
  
But they were wrong.   
  
Angel: It's the drugs, I knew it!   
  
Buffy: Whoa, down boy.   
  
Yes, the marriage was friendly, comfortable, and open.   
  
All: We've covered this!   
  
The marriage was loveless only in a sense.   
  
Cordelia: Damn, this is taking forever!   
  
For Xander and Buffy loved each other only as the best of friends   
do.   
  
Angel: {growling} That had better be in a completely platonic way.   
  
But, true. It did not contain those....other areas of love.   
  
Angel: Woo hoo!   
  
Xander: Damn!   
  
Buffy and Cordelia: WHAT?! {both smack Xander}   
  
Xander: Hey, I'm married! I can at least hope. {glares from Angel, Buffy, and Cordelia}   
  
But they *were* wrong in one major factor.   
  
Giles: Do you think we're going to find out soon?   
  
Willow: With the way these authors have been stringing it out? Probably not.   
  
Xander Harris was not the father of the baby.   
  
Willow: I stand corrected.   
  
Angel: Ha, I knew it!   
  
Cordelia: This leaves the question, why did he marry her?   
  
Giles: This is badfic, does he really need a reason?   
  
Angelus was.   
  
Willow: Wait, I thought vampires couldn't have kids.   
  
Angel: They can't! These authors are just screwing around.   
  
Faith: (just tuning in) No, that was what Buffy was probably doing.   
  
Buffy and Angel: HEY!   
  
Mayor: Well, kids, how did you like it?   
  
Buffy: Hated it. Not only am I married, but I'm pregnant too.   
  
Angel: Hated it. Buffy's married to someone else, and the authors are messing with continuity.   
  
Cordelia: Hated it. My boyfriend is married to Buffy.   
  
Giles: Hated it. I could've been reading my book.   
  
Willow: Hated it. I could've been surfing the net.   
  
Xander: ......   
  
{all turn to Look at him}   
  
Xander: {defensively} Hey, at least the authors seemed to like me!   
  
Buffy: {enraged} What?!   
  
Mayor: What did I say about fighting? Now there's still a little more to read.   
  
All: Damn!   
  
Next Part   
  
Angel: No thanks!   
  
Mayor: You can read that tomorrow.   
  
Willow: {sarcastically} Oh, goody.   
  



	2. And A Little Child Shall Lead Them To Ye...

Dedication: My sincerest gratitude and apologies to Jenni W.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The Slayer's Hunter  
  
Buffy: Oh, *great*, this one again.  
  
All: Damnit!  
  
Angel: Does anyone mind if I just get a bottle of whiskey and just stay drunk for the fic?  
  
Giles: You can't. If I have to read this, you have to read this.   
  
by Robyn the Snowshoe Hare   
  
Willow: Does the fact that she calls herself a snowshoe hare suggest any kind of mental psychosis?   
  
Cordelia: Is there any mental psychosis it *doesn't* suggest?  
  
and Stone Cold  
  
Xander: And apparently merciless, otherwise we wouldn't be subjected to this.  
  
Disclaimer: All I own is an annoying personality.  
  
Buffy: At least she admits it.   
  
Willow: They say that the first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem.  
  
Xander: So Angel, would you say that you lurk more than is really healthy?  
  
Angel: Xander, I do *not* have an obcession with lurking, for the last time!  
  
And even that is on lease.  
  
Giles: Do you think we could call in her creditors?   
  
Dedication:   
  
Cordelia: Are we going to have to suffer through this infernal chitchat *with* the story every time?  
  
Willow: Probably...  
  
My cat Shintsu,  
  
Xander: She's thanking her cat. Well, it's official, we've reached a new low.  
  
Giles: Don't say that, she hasn't parodied "Major Modern General" yet.   
  
Cordelia: Great, just jinx us why don't you!   
  
and my dear brother. Who   
  
Angel: ..could have done us all a favor and smothered the author in her cradle.   
  
have both trashed innumerable copies of these stories,   
  
All: Go them, go them!   
  
causing me to rewrite over and over.   
  
Giles: It would be too much to ask for her to just give up and leave us in peace.   
  
  
-------------------------------------------------------  
  
Part One  
  
-------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Cordelia: We're only on part one? Where is the justice!?   
  
The first memory Hunter   
  
Giles: Hunter? Who is Hunter?   
  
Angel: Apparently this author decided to create some characters. This just keeps getting worse.   
  
ever had was of his mother.   
  
Xander: The second was of Barney...   
  
Cordelia: Okay, that was just dumb, Xander.   
  
He remembered sitting with her on their lawn, watching the sunlight   
sparkle off of the cross around her neck,   
  
Willow: {checking watch} This is certainly going nowhere quickly.   
  
Buffy: I'm just waiting for a plot anytime soon.   
  
and flicker off of the matching cross that had hung around his own   
neck since even before his earliest half-memories.   
  
Giles: If it was before his earliest memories, how does he know that it was hanging around his neck before then?   
  
Cordelia: That's what I'd like to know.   
  
Buffy: Wouldn't his parents worry that he would choke on it?   
  
Xander: Apparently his parents went for the dramatic rather than the intelligent.   
  
She was in all of his early memories,   
  
Xander: {singing} Memories...   
  
Angel: Xander, don't you dare even start.   
  
and then he thought she had to be the most perfect person alive.   
  
Giles: Until the police caught her selling drugs out of their house, and locked her up for 15-20.   
  
Except for his father.   
  
Willow: Oh, so she *wasn't* the most perfect person alive.   
  
Buffy: I love how this story just ties itself in knots.   
  
Hunter adored his father almost as much as his mother.   
  
Giles: The parental battle for the child's affection must've been fierce. It almost sounds like the kid was keeping score.   
  
He remembered how his father would throw him up into the air,   
  
Buffy: All the times his father dropped him would account for his extensive brain damage...   
  
while his mother cried out to be *careful*. But he laughed at the   
sensation of free air around him.   
  
Xander: Oh, great, the kid is a danger junkie.   
  
And then his father would laugh, and then his mother.   
  
Buffy: Okay, so there was mirth and laughter everywhere. Can we move on?   
  
For Hunter, the world was perfect.   
  
Xander: Blah, blah, blah. *Man*, this is dragging!   
  
He lived in a small, but comfortable house with his parents.   
  
Cordelia: Actually, his parents lived in the house. Hunter was kept in a dog kennel in the yard.   
  
A few doors down, his Aunt Willow   
  
Buffy: 'Aunt Willow'? Oh, great, it looks like Hunter is *my* kid!   
  
Xander: *Aunt* Willow?   
  
Willow: Don't ask me. I'm as clueless as you are.   
  
Angel: {to Buffy} I can't believe you named our son 'Hunter'.   
  
Buffy: What would you have preferred? Angel Jr.?   
  
Angel: Yes!   
  
Xander: Good grief, can we get on with the story?   
  
lived with Uncle Oz,   
  
Willow: Well, it looks like I'm getting off pretty well in this fic.   
  
and their two children.   
  
Cordelia: A husband, a house, and two kids. Living the American statistic, huh?   
  
Willow: No, if I was then I would have a dog too.   
  
Xander: I think Oz fits into both the dog and the husband categories. {Cordy and Willow smack him} Ow!   
  
Jesse   
  
Xander: *Jesse*?   
  
Buffy: Willow, what possessed you to name your son after a high-school student who was vamped and staked in the first episode?   
  
Willow: Apparently I was very close to him. And I have an extreme sense of melodrama.   
  
was several months younger than Hunter,   
  
Buffy: Hah! It looks like I wasn't the only teen bride and mother in town!   
  
Giles: Actually, according to this story you all at least entered college.   
  
Buffy: Ruin my gloating, why don't you.   
  
but extreamly smart, and better yet, devious.   
  
Xander: Yup, looks like 'lil Jesse took right after his mom. {Willow smacks him} Hey! Be glad he didn't take after the original Jesse!   
  
Together, the boys made secret plans against Jesse's little sister,   
Jenny,   
  
All: *JENNY*??   
  
Cordelia: Geez, Willow, what is it with you and naming your kids after dead people? Did you even *look* at the baby name books?   
  
Willow: Hey!   
  
or just made secret plans on how to avoid her. Aunt Cordelia lived   
on the other end of town,   
  
Angel: Probably on the East Side of Sunnydale.   
  
but visited often,   
  
Buffy: Ah, coming to mingle with the commoners?   
  
bringing her own son, Trevor.   
  
Cordelia: At least *one* of us was original with baby names.   
  
They never saw Aunt Cordelia's husband, as he was a top business   
executive,   
  
Cordelia: *Hel-lo* high income!   
  
Willow: Ka-ching!   
  
and had to travel 45 weeks out of the year.   
  
Buffy: That must put some stress on the relationship.   
  
Xander: Nah, probably just makes it easier for Cordy to meet new guys.   
  
Cordy: I wouldn't be talking right now, Xander. Does the word 'Revelations' mean anything to you?   
  
Xander: {meekly} Shutting up now.   
  
Another integral part of his world was Grandpa Giles.   
  
All except Giles: *Grandpa Giles*?? {burst into laughter}   
  
Giles: I don't believe this.   
  
It always made his mother laugh when he called him that.   
  
Buffy: Heck, it's making me laugh right now!   
  
And so he did it often, until Jesse, Jenny, and even Trevor also   
picked it up.   
  
Giles: Great, just encourage your children to humiliate me.   
  
Willow: Aw, I think it's kind of cute.   
  
Giles: And it's probably just that reasoning that brought it about.   
  
Hunter's world was perfect,   
  
Angel: The authors are repeating themselves again.   
  
Buffy: Apparently they think so little of the readers that they feel they have to keep repeating things over and over so that we don't forget them.   
  
until his eighth birthday, which he remembered perfectly.   
  
Xander: When he didn't get the bicycle he had been dreaming of.   
  
That was the night his mother died.   
  
Buffy: Oh, great, now I'm dead! This story sucks.   
  
Cordelia: Ouch, his mother died on his birthday. That has childhood trauma written all over it.   
  
Willow: And Buffy thought that *she* had had some bad birthdays.   
  
Buffy: This might be a new champion, but I'm sure that having my boyfriend lose his soul on my 17th and my Watcher try and kill me on my 18th still ranks in at the top ten.   
  
  
-------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Angel: Okay, does this mean that we're finally done?   
  
Giles: No, it looks like there are some author's notes beneath it.   
  
Angel: Damn!   
  
Okay, what do you think?   
  
Angel: It sucked.   
  
Buffy: Gotta agree with that.   
  
Giles: The same.   
  
Willow: Ditto.   
  
Cordelia: Ditto.   
  
Xander: Well, Buffy's dead now, so all my high hopes for this fic have been crushed. Gotta say that it sucked.   
  
I know I accomplished just about nothing in this part,   
  
Giles: Yes, we noticed that too.   
  
but both this and the prologue were needed to lay in major   
groundwork, as I've said before.   
  
Cordelia: What groundwork?   
  
Willow: Well, basically Buffy is married to Xander, but had Angel's kid. I'm married to Oz and have two kids, and you're married to some bussiness man and have a kid. Giles is just there.   
  
Cordelia: And it took two chapters to establish that?   
  
Willow: Basically, yeah.   
  
Cordelia: Arg!   
  
  
Previous Part  
Next Part  
  
Angel: Ugh. More of this. I'm starting to miss Hell.   
  
Xander: Cheer up, Dead Boy, you haven't been in this yet.   
  
Angel: That was the ultimate jinx, Xander, and you know it.   
  
Xander: {smirking} Yes, I do.   
  



	3. What's With The Bible References?

Dedication: My sincerest gratitude and apologies to Jenni W.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The Slayer's Hunter  
  
Cordelia: How much longer *is* this story?  
  
Willow: Well, knowing the way these authors can drag things on forever, maybe five or six more parts.  
  
Giles: That doesn't sound very promising.  
  
by Robyn the Snowshoe Hare and Stone Cold  
  
Xander: Again with the rabbit-girl and the wrestler.  
  
Angel: I don't think that the authors are going to change their names, Xander.  
  
Xander: I can always hope.  
  
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Joss and Mutant Enemy. The only   
things that I can lay claim to are Hunter, Jesse, Jenny, and   
Trevor. But they are mine, and no one else can play with them   
without permission. Sorry, but I never picked up the Sesame Street   
concept of sharing.   
  
Buffy: On the bright side, though, it means that we'll never have to suffer through these characters in other fics.  
  
Note: If you don't like angst and unhappiness, I recommend you   
don't read this part.  
  
Xander: Well, I don't like angst, but I know that Angel sure does.  
  
Angel: It's a complex genre. A little more so than watching some kid get killed over and over again.  
  
Xander: Kenny is an integral part of South Park!  
  
Buffy: Guys, if you don't stop fighting than we'll *never* get through this.  
  
This is *not* for the faint of heart, or the weak of stomach.   
  
Willow: Well, I guess that counts *me* out.  
  
Cordelia: Lucky you.  
  
I recommend that if you fall into either of these two categories,   
that you stop reading this series right now.  
  
Willow: Woo hoo!  
  
However, if you are feeling brave, or daring, please: read on.  
  
Giles: I'm not feeling particularly inclined to either. Does that mean I don't have to read this?  
  
Cordelia: If I have to read this, you have to read this.  
  
Giles: Blast.  
  
And send me your comments, I'd really appreciate feedback. But   
leave your flamethrowers at the door.   
  
Angel: Dear Author, this sucked. Please do society a favor and never write again.  
  
Buffy: Hun, that would fall under the category of flame.  
  
Angel: Damn.   
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------   
------------  
  
Xander: Oooh, a border.  
  
All: Oooh, ahhhh.  
  
Part Two  
  
Cordelia: When are they going to get to the story?  
  
Willow: Probably never.  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------   
------------  
  
Buffy: *More* borders! Be still my heart!  
  
Everyone had come over, and the birthday party had run long, as   
everyone was having too much fun to notice the time.  
  
Angel: The large amount of liquor everyone had been drinking helped with this.  
  
Hunter was curled up on the couch, nestled between his mother and   
Grandpa Giles, when he heard his father announce that it was dusk.   
  
Xander: What did I do, just say, "It is now dusk,"?  
  
Cordelia: Knowing this story, you probably spelt it out with charades.   
  
The happiness of the day dissolved in a moment at these dreaded   
words.  
  
Buffy: This kid must really not like having to go to bed.  
  
The first rule that Hunter had ever been taught was to come inside   
before dusk fell. It was the same with Jesse, Jenny, and Trevor.   
None of them ever stayed out alone after twilight. And they were   
only allowed outside at night when there were at least two adults   
in attendence, and they were *never* allowed to walk even a few   
steps beyond their parents' watchful eyes.  
  
Giles: Sadly, tonight was the exeption, they all walked beyond their parents' supervision, were killed, and the story ended.  
  
Buffy: Nice with the sarcasm, Giles.  
  
But now it was dusk,  
  
All: We already know this!  
  
and everyone was still at his house, and they had to go home.  
  
Xander: Gee, imagine people having to go home.  
  
The adults talked very quietly, and very quickly. Hunter could feel   
their worry, as if it were a living thing that he watched take form   
and substance.  
  
Cordelia: This being the Hellmouth, though, it wouldn't be surprising if it did.  
  
Willow: This being badfic, it wouldn't be surprising if it was named Bill.  
  
Hunter wondered why they were so worried tonight, after all, this   
had happened before, when they had friends over after dark.   
Usually, they would just walk quickly home.  
  
Buffy: I guess no one owns cars.   
  
But they seemed extra worried tonight. Hunter noticed that his   
parents always seemed more cautious about the coming of night   
around special days, like his parents' anniversary, or his mother's   
birthday, or Christmas, or Valentine's Day.  
  
Xander: Angelus really puts the zing into holidays, huh?  
  
Angel: Do you mind, Xander? I'm still trying to repress everything that happened on Valentine's Day and Buffy's last two birthdays.  
  
Willow: Don't forget about "Amends".  
  
Buffy: Yeah, hun, way to surprise me for Christmas. Try to kill yourself.  
  
Giles: Er, can we get back to reading?  
  
All: Fine.  
  
But they were always very, very, careful around his birthday.  
  
Xander: I guess we didn't want Angel to drop by and give him a card.  
  
He wondered why, at the time, but he was sleepy after the long day,   
and he let the thought drift away.   
  
It was decided that Jesse would sleep over with him, and Uncle Oz   
would pick him up tomarrow morning, before he started work. Uncle   
Oz taught at Physics at the high school, and Aunt Willow taught it   
at the college.   
  
Angel: Very math-oriented family.  
  
Buffy: I never really pegged Oz as the teaching type.  
  
Willow: Me neither. Unless it was music-lessons.  
  
They also both did some computer programing on the side.   
  
Cordelia: Living the American Dream?  
  
Willow: Except for the part where I chain up my husband for three days out of the month.  
  
Xander: Okay, that just sounded bad.  
  
Luckily, Aunt Cordelia had had to leave early with Trevor, at about   
5:00.  
  
Giles: No reason why, she just left.  
  
Angel: This is badfic. Just keep repeating that to yourself.  
  
But Jenny had an important doctor's appointment early tomarrow,  
  
Xander: Finally found time to go ahead with the labotomy plan?  
  
and was also getting fussy, and wanted to go home.  
  
Giles: Overuse of the word 'and'.  
  
Buffy: Plus, spelling is not this girl's friend.  
  
So Aunt Willow and Uncle Oz got ready to go.  
  
Cordelia: How long did it take us to get to this point?  
  
Willow: Don't think about it, it'll just depress you.  
  
Hunter's mother and father decided to walk with them, just to see   
that they got home all right, and his mother volunteered to carry   
Jenny if Aunt Willow got tired. Then Hunter's mother gave him a hug   
and a kiss.   
  
All: Awwww.  
  
"Happy Birthday, sweetie." she said. Then, a strange look passed   
over her face, and she seemed to try and shake something off.  
  
Xander: It turned out to be a fly, though, and she shook it off and got on with life.  
  
Still with a shadow in her eyes,  
  
Angel: Clearly the authors didn't provide decent lighting.  
  
she said: "Be a good boy, and don't take your cross off, we don't   
want to lose it." Those were the last words she ever said to him.  
  
Cordelia: Because she ran off to Vegas the next morning.  
  
Angel: To hook up with her old boyfriend.  
  
Buffy: And live a happy life.  
  
He was very young, but for years he would have nightmares about   
that moment, when his mother got up to leave. He watched as his   
father helped her into her coat.  
  
Xander: See? I'm a good husband.  
  
In his mind's eye, he could still see the loving look they   
exchanged.  
  
Angel: Well, if she's about to die, at least that means that there will be no more exchanging loving looks around here!  
  
Her shoulder length blonde hair shimmered in the dim light,  
  
Giles: Again with the lighting.  
  
and her green eyes sparkled as she waved to him.   
  
Willow: Really weird use of lighting.  
  
In his nightmares, he would always scream for her not to go. But it   
never did any good, she left, as she always left, with her special   
bounce in her walk,  
  
Xander: Which was because of the trampolene-floor.  
  
Buffy: Trampolene-floor?  
  
Xander: Specially designed.  
  
and his father's arm around her waist.  
  
Angel: growling   
  
Giles: Angel, you really have to relax.  
  
And then the door clicked shut behind her.   
  
Xander: This click was brought to you by FX special effects.  
  
Jesse had already fallen asleep, so Grandpa Giles carried him up to   
bed.  
  
Giles: I don't approve of this 'Grandpa Giles' trend.   
  
Cordelia: Plus it looks like they're using you as free child-care.  
  
He returned for him, but Hunter begged him for a story.   
  
Angel: Once there was a really obnoxious jerk named Xander, who somehow tricked your mommy into marrying him.  
  
Xander: Once there was an annoying loser named Angel, who went around eating people and abandoned your mommy when she was pregnant.  
  
Buffy: I don't think either of those stories would be appropriate for my son.  
  
Giles gave in, unable to refuse the boy's simple request when he   
sat there in fuzzy yellow feety pajamas, with his pleading eyes (so   
like his mother's) staring up at him.  
  
Cordelia: Just how late are you letting this kid stay up until?  
  
Xander: Giles, when we left you to care for our son, we expected him to be put to bed. Not running around at all hours of the night.  
  
Giles seated himself back on the couch, and Hunter cuddled up to   
him, and his brown hair (in desperate need of a haircut) caught the   
static from Giles' tweed vest and began to friz.  
  
Giles: Actually, I use this wonderful fabric softener that keeps my vests static-free.  
  
He told Hunter stories that were fantastic and amazing, but always   
ended happily, with the hero winning.   
  
Angel: ..and the vampire getting the girl.  
  
Xander: Dream on, dead boy.  
  
About twenty minutes passed in this pleasant manner, and then the   
stillness of the evening was torn  
  
Cordelia: First the happiness was dissolved, now the stillness has been torn.  
  
Willow: This evening isn't holding up very well.  
  
when the door slammed open, and Aunt Willow stumbled in, bleeding   
profusely from a gash on her forehead,  
  
Buffy: That's definitely going to need stitches.  
  
half supported by her husband, who carried the body of their   
daughter.  
  
All: Whoa!  
  
Angel: Gotta say, I didn't see that one coming.  
  
Willow: Now I feel guilt for the death of my fictional child.  
  
Buffy: Everyone needs a pet psychosis.  
  
Six-year-old Jenny Seneca's neck had been snapped, like that of her   
namesake, Jenny Calender, dead for eleven years.  
  
Cordelia: You were just asking for trouble when you named her after Miss Calendar.  
  
Willow: Jeez, just give me *more* guilt.  
  
Later, the police were amazed that Oz Seneca had been able to both   
support his wife and carry his child, because his arm had been   
snapped in three places.   
  
All: Ouch!  
  
Hunter's father came in behind them. His hands were covered in   
slashes, and his shoulder was bleeding from a shallow knife wound.   
  
Xander: Ow. Why am I always hurt in these fics?  
  
Willow: Hello? Death of a child and husband's arm broken over here.  
  
Xander: Oh, right.  
  
His face was a mask of agony and loss, but not because of his   
wounds.  
  
Giles: It was because he had just realized what college costs were likely to be for his son.  
  
Xander Harris didn't even know about them. In his arms lay his   
beloved wife, bleeding from numerous small wounds on her arms and   
face. But Hunter didn't see those then. What he saw was where his   
mother's throat had been ripped open.  
  
All: Eeeeewwwwwww!  
  
Cordelia: That kid is going to need *serious* therapy for that one.  
  
Buffy: At least I'm out of the story now.  
  
It was years later that Hunter ever wondered why there had been so   
little blood at that massive wound.   
  
Giles: Of course, little can be a relative term.  
  
He blamed it on the memory of a child, even though he knew that the   
memory was crystal clear. All Hunter could do was kneel by his   
mother's body, and sob. Just as his father was doing.   
  
All: Awwwww.  
  
Hunter never shed a tear after that awful night. As he stood   
between his father and Giles, watching as his mother's coffin was   
lowered into the ground, he made a promise. To his mother, the   
person he loved most in the whole world. He promised that he would   
  
Cordelia: Always eat his vegetables.  
  
Xander: Clean his room.  
  
Buffy: Floss.  
  
avenge her. That he would become what his name meant. He would   
become a hunter.   
  
Buffy: Of what?  
  
Giles: Well, this being Sunnydale...  
  
And he would also do the last thing his mother ever told him. He   
never took his cross off again.   
  
Cordelia: Wouldn't that make it hard to shower?  
  
Xander: He also swore off showers.  
  
Willow: Eeeww.  



End file.
